It's actually happening

Tomorrow is the big day!  We made it to embryo transfer......I still can't believe it.  We should have two good embryos to put in, and God willing they will take!!!  I am excited, nervous, don't want to get too excited until I have a positive pregnancy test, etc, but I am so thankful that we even have this opportunity.  To have been told it wasn't possible, that the odds are against us, and to be at this point of actually having a real chance is just incredible.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers and encouraging words.  They have gotten me through these last couple weeks!  I will post about the whole thing tomorrow once I'm home and settled in on the couch. 

I have embryos!

Six of them!! Of the nine eggs retrieved, six fertilized into little tiny embryo babies.  I can't believe it.  After the doctor called this morning, I was shaking for a good twenty minutes!  This is so much better than we were expecting.  Now they will watch them grow over the next couple of days and call me on Sunday with a report.  I know it is normal for some to drop off and not mature correctly, but I want so badly for them all to make it. 

Please keep up the prayers!  We need all we can get!

And now we wait!

I'm home now from egg retrieval and my stomach is full from yummy french toast and a mocha latte.  The morning started very early for us - we had to be in Frisco at 7am - and I was starving from the minute I woke up!  Seth mom's went with us to the procedure and she's been taking care good care of me since we got home. 

On the way to the surgery center I was nervous and a little tearful.  Listening to praise and worship music has been one of the major things that has helped me through all of this, so we put on Hillsong and The Village Church's live EP (which is awesome if you haven't heard it yet).  When we checked in, all of the nurses were so nice and reassuring - it really is a great group.  The whole thing was super quick, only took 20 minutes and then I was in recovery for about an hour.  Let me just say I love anesthesia....I'm a little sad that I might not need it anymore after this.  Ha! Just kidding....kind of.  :)

The great news is that the doctor was able to get nine follicles!  They will combine them with the little swimmers today, and by tomorrow afternoon I will get a call from the embryologist to let me know how many fertilized.  The general rule is that about half will fertilize, but my brother said that Dr. God is able to make them all fertilize!  That would be amazing.  I will be happy with anything at this point. 

That's all I know for now.  Thanks for all the encouragement and prayers.

"Oh look and see our God, and celebrate the power of the cross and the empty grave.  And now we're free, let the redeeemed lift up your heads.  Oh look and see our God!"

We've pulled the trigger

And there's no going back....not that I want to!  The fact that I can even say that is a complete miracle.  13 days ago we started the IVF process, and it has been an uphill battle the entire way.  I thought about updating you all earlier on, but it has been so touch and go that I didn't know what to say.  The few friends and family that were in on the updates were probably confused by my twice a day texts that would completely contradict each other!  But they were so supportive and encouraging each time - I could not have made it through this week without them.  All I can say about this is that God has been faithful.  Every sonogram I had, we didn't know if I would progress to the next one.  I have prayed more, cried more, wrestled with God more in the last week than in my entire life.  And He has come through with answered prayer each time we needed it.

To break down the specifics, I needed four good sized follicles for the doctor to proceed with doing an egg retrieval.  On Tuesday, if I didn't have those follicles, he would cancel this cycle.  By the grace of God my body came through for me, and last night I gave myself a "trigger shot" to prepare for egg retrieval, which will happen tomorrow morning.  (I had about six other follicles that weren't quite big enough, but we are praying that they mature as well before tomorrow.)  We were so excited to reach that milestone!!  Last time around I only had two tiny follicles, so this is a great improvement!  I had Seth pull up songs entitled "Trigger" and I was dancing in the kitchen!  They were all mostly completely awful songs, but it was such a relief to just be happy for a night after all the stress of the last couple of weeks. 

Now we need PRAYER for healthy eggs to be retrieved, to fertilize, and to grow into healthy embryos.  If that happens, we will do the embryo transfer next week.  I am trying to take it one step at a time, which is literally all we've been able to do so far.  I am believing God for a miracle.  If not this month, then next month, and if not then, to know and trust that He is good.  My brother prayed for me at Christmas that we would see the goodness of the Lord this January, and if not, that we would STILL see the goodness of the Lord.  That has been my cry. 

I'll give an update tomorrow to let you all know how things went. 

Recovery

i've been sitting (and laying, eating, sleeping) on my couch for four days now.  it's actually quite a comfy spot, and honestly i'm a little sad to graduate back to my bed tonight, although i'm sure that sentiment will change once i sink into the memory foam topper.  i promise all this lounging isn't from couch potato laziness though - it's doctor's orders!  i had surgery this past tuesday to once again clean up the lovely endometriosis. 

let's rewind a little bit.  i saw a new fertility specialist back in august based on a recommendation from an old friend.  he and his wife have beautiful twin girls after struggling with infertility for years.  i have to say that i am impressed with this doctor - he has fantastic bedside manner and seems to be more of a risk-taker while still being straight-forward about our situation.  based on my most recent bloodwork and sonograms, he told us that we had a 25-30% chance of ivf being successful, but that it was still worth the effort to try with my own eggs.  the sono showed that my left ovary was making just enough follicles to qualify as an ivf candidate, but the right one could not even be visualized.  surgery was also a necessity if we were to move forward.....so after a lot of talking, thinking, and praying, we decided to go for it.  but this meant that i was once again faced with the reality that one of my fallopian tubes would be removed for sure, and the doctor would make the decision about the other one during surgery.  this time around, we were ok with that. 

the fantastic news is that during surgery, the doctor uncovered the right ovary from all the mess and discovered that it was healthy and making eggs!  this is the one that was the most ravaged from endometriosis and we didn't really have much hope for it before.  so it seems that the past year of eating healthy, taking supplements, getting my hormones leveled out, and prayer have really made an improvement!  after surgery, the doctor told seth that this bumps up our ivf chances to 60-70%, which is normal for a woman my age.  i cannot even describe how happy i was to hear this when i woke up.

because of the time my body needs to heal and with christmas right around the corner, we will most likely start the process in january.  i'm so glad to have something to look forward to.  i'm sure some of you might be wondering when things changed, but over the last several months i never felt completely at peace about turning in the adoption papers, but i also wasn't emotionally stable enough to brave ivf again until recently.  i think i need to know FOR SURE that i've exhausted all possibilities of having my own child before we turn to adoption.

so that's where i am.  sorry to keep y'all hanging for so long.  i follow up with the doctor in a week and a half, so i'll post when i know more.  :)

Long overdue update

For people who already have children of their own (biologically speaking), I think adoption must seem like a very romantic idea.  What could be more beautiful than taking in a child that's not yours and raising it in a loving home as if it were your own?  What could be more Christian?  The Bible speaks of adoption multiple times, and we are adopted into Christ's family if we have chosen Jesus.  But for people who have battled infertility, who face adoption as their only option of having children, it's not quite so romantic.  It's heartbreaking and daunting.  

I've had several people ask me lately what the status is on the process, and some have even admonished me for not turning in the application yet when I give them the update.  It's a lot more difficult than you might think, for me anyways, to drop that heavy envelope into the mail.   I know that turning in the application doesn't mean we still can't miraculously get pregnant on our own, but it just feels so final to me.  It feels like closing a door on that period of our lives, and maybe I jumped in too soon and I haven't grieved our fertility as much as I needed to.  My 31st birthday was last month, and I'll admit that it stung quite a bit.  I hope that it gets easier rather than harder; I hope every birthday is not just another reminder of my decrepit ovaries. 

My deep down views on adoption haven't changed.  I know I'll get there, that I will send off the application sooner than later, and when I do I'll let you know.  Just let me be the one to bring it up. 

A Change in Perspective

it's been a while since i posted last.  i've thought several times about writing during the timespan, but each time it was prompted from negative emotions, and i don't want this to be a place for ranting.  the past month has been really difficult for me - we have started working on the adoption application, and i did not anticipate what an emotional toll that would take on me.  it's VERY detailed and pries into every area of our lives - financial, spiritual, emotional, sexual - and makes us answer questions about what kind of child we are willing to accept (which makes me feel like a terrible person if i say no to anything).  it also requires an inspection of our home by the fire marshall and the county health department.  because of the invasiveness of the application (or my perception of it being invasive), i reacted with being angry at the whole process.  angry that i had to "prove" my worthiness of being a parent when any random, uneducated, unmarried, not financially stable person seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  so it's taken me a lot longer to finish the application than i originally intended.

over the last week my feelings have slowly begun to change...thanks in part to encouragement from friends.  i started thinking of it from the point of view of the birthmother.  she is placing her child in the arms of strangers; i would imagine that she would want that couple to be scrutinized from every possible angle to ensure that they aren't psychos, but rather that they are a committed couple who would provide the warm, loving, stable, two parent home that she is unable to provide herself. 

the real change in my outlook though came from the adoption parenting seminar we attended this weekend.  i had no idea the impact it would have on me.  we learned so much about the current culture of adoption and the trend towards openness, but more so about the spiritual side of everything.  i've said before that i know God already has our baby chosen for us, but to hear stories of actual couples giving testimony of how perfectly God orchestrated their entire adoption story was just so encouraging.  yesterday there was a birthmother and birthfather who spoke about how they came to the decision of choosing adoption, and the adoptive couple whom they chose to raise their child came in next and gave their side of the story.  it was so incredibly beautiful to see the relationship that had formed between adoptive couple and birthparents.  they meet once every couple of months to allow the birthmother to see the baby, and the adoptive couple has actually taken on a mentoring role to the younger birthparents.  i had tears streaming down my face, but there wasn't a dry eye in the room as they gave their testimony. 

we still aren't sure what level of openness we are comfortable with, and each birthmother is different in her desires on that as well, but we realized that a lot of our concerns were being driven by fear and not fully trusting in God's control.  one theme of the weekend seemed to be that maybe adoption isn't solely about the child.  maybe we are to be ministers to the birthmother as well, during whatever amount of interaction we may have with her, to make her feel encouraged and proud of the immensely difficult decision she is making. 

there's so much more i could say - this is just one facet of how God is changing our hearts.  but i know this is long already, so i'll save the rest for another day....