For people who already have children of their own (biologically speaking), I think adoption must seem like a very romantic idea. What could be more beautiful than taking in a child that's not yours and raising it in a loving home as if it were your own? What could be more Christian? The Bible speaks of adoption multiple times, and we are adopted into Christ's family if we have chosen Jesus. But for people who have battled infertility, who face adoption as their only option of having children, it's not quite so romantic. It's heartbreaking and daunting.
I've had several people ask me lately what the status is on the process, and some have even admonished me for not turning in the application yet when I give them the update. It's a lot more difficult than you might think, for me anyways, to drop that heavy envelope into the mail. I know that turning in the application doesn't mean we still can't miraculously get pregnant on our own, but it just feels so final to me. It feels like closing a door on that period of our lives, and maybe I jumped in too soon and I haven't grieved our fertility as much as I needed to. My 31st birthday was last month, and I'll admit that it stung quite a bit. I hope that it gets easier rather than harder; I hope every birthday is not just another reminder of my decrepit ovaries.
My deep down views on adoption haven't changed. I know I'll get there, that I will send off the application sooner than later, and when I do I'll let you know. Just let me be the one to bring it up.